Walt Whitman
I wake up to the sounds of a small boy saying daddy. As my eyes slowly adjust to the light, I see the smiling face of my 10 month old son. He has the brightest eyes and combine that with the smile from ear to ear and you can see his pride to see his daddy. You can see his innocence. We eat breakfast, play for a while and then take about an hour nap together. He usually wakes up first and wakes me up by either pinching my face or by crawling down my body trying to get to the end of the recliner; he has learned that he weighs just enough that if he lays on the end on the recliner it will slowly lower him to the ground where he can wreak havoc by utilizing his superior crawling and climbing skills. Elizabeth usually comes home around lunch and feeds him while I get ready for work. I then tell them both bye and leave for work. I get home from anywhere from 7:30-9:00, (and that is nights without games), which leaves me little to no time to spend with him before bedtime. Elizabeth is usually getting ready for bed and I follow shortly after, if i can sleep, and then we repeat.
Life is cyclical in a way. We get into habits and repeat patterns throughout the year. Depression and fear also seem to do the same. It makes me question everything, which could be a good thing. I took the job at Austin because I guess I blindly thought I could make a difference somehow. Thinking maybe I could help one person, hopefully more. I'm not just talking about physical injuries from athletics, but emotional scars from life itself. I wanted to help on a deeper level, be a person they can turn to and someone they could confide in. I wanted to make an impact in people's lives. I don't know if I've even helped a single person so did I make the right choice? Am I where I am supposed to be? Am I even doing the job I am supposed to be doing?
So many questions and so few answers. I have a lot to learn; I have to learn how to be a better husband, better father, and find my true purpose in life. John Lennon famously said, "When I was 5 years old my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life". Happiness. I guess that is what I'm after but where it lies and how to balance it is the true question. I'm a bit of a romantic and old-fashioned so for me I find happiness in love. This means my happiness comes from the loving supportive arms of my family, helping others, and the sounds of music that reaches down and grabs your soul.
So that brings me back full circle to what my true purpose is. Yes, I still fight depression, but I do find a shadow constantly following me and there cannot be a shadow without the presence of some form of light. Whatever the source I have to hang on to it, and find a way to make it brighter. "A candle throws its light into the darkness. In a nasty world, so shines the good deed. Make sure the fortune, that you seek is the fortune you need," Ben Harper. So as this new school year starts I have a lot to learn. I have to find room for the "fortune" I seek is what I truly need. I have to find a way to spend more time with my family, my happiness. I have to find a way to spend more time with my son; maybe by hearing more "daddy's" I will be a happier man. I have to figure out if what I do everyday at work is making an impact on anyone, and if not I need to find another way to do that. I talk to God constantly and I'm just waiting for an answer. If you are still reading this please pray that I find the answers to questions I have and I can finally have "a day in the life" that I was meant to have.
Breck
"There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves firts, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create".
-John Lennon
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