"Gone"

Gone are the days of wisdom in a man
Riddles arise, solving them with no plan
Gone are the days of wisdom in a man

Gone are the days when the mind finds solutions
Now we solve riddles with our own delusions
Gone are the days when the mind finds solutions

Gone are the days where responsibility incurs
Welcome to the new world, where men defer
Gone are the days where responsibility incurs

Gone are the days of men from earlier generations
Leaving us with men who bear no foundations
Gone are the days of men from earlier generations

Gone are the days of wisdom in a man
Riddles arise, solving them with no plan
Gone are the days of wisdom in a man

"Something" for Elizabeth

"I walk half way around the world,
Just to sit down by your side.
And I would do most anything girl,
To be the apple of your eye.

Troubles they may come and go,
But good times they are the gold.
And if this road gets rocky girl,
Just steady as we go."

- Dave Matthews

I feel like I don't tell you this enough, but I love you.  Sorry for all the music references but you know that is just who I am.  I think we picked the perfect inscription for you ring, "Steady As We Go".  The first lyrics of the song sums everything up I could possibly tell you in eight, short lines.  I  would do anything in this world for you and do anything just to be with you. I think God placed us in each others lives for so many different reasons.  I mean we both really knew when we were "just friends" that there was really something much deeper and much stronger behind those words.  I want to say I am sorry, because the road did get rocky, but how you stayed so steady, I will never know.  During the darkest days of my life you were beside me every step of the way, never once faltering.  I remember the smallest things were the ones that always helped me the most. When Mike died I know you wanted to help so bad.  You knew I needed time to be alone and think, and you let me.  But while I was gone, you found the most perfect qoutes and song lyrics and poems, knowing that is exactly what I would have done, and when I got home I saw them all stuck on the door; each qoute and lyric so perfectly fitting for the occasion and my state of mind.  So many emotions ran through my mind as I sat and read each one.  I wanted to cry, I wanted to smile and laugh out loud, and I wanted to wake you up and kiss you and tell you how much you meant to me.  You always knew the right thing to do at the right time in order to help me the best.  "Something in the way she knows.  And all I have to do is think of her.  Something in the things she shows me." - George Harrison, "Something".  You always knew.  There were so many times where I was completely lost and you needed help and I couldn't be there for you, especially when you were pregnant.  I will never forgive myself for those days and for that I am forever sorry, but I love you and Cooper more than anything in the world and I need you to know that. I know with all of my troubles and thoughts I have neglected you and your needs at times. Again, there is no way for me to apologize and I will never forgive myself.  But inscribed in my ring are the words "Forever My Love".

"We've been through some changes
Always seem to hold on
Lately it feels like you can't take anymore
Something tells me girl this is bringing you down
Forever my friend
Forever my love
Forever the woman that I'm thinking of
I just think if we keep our hearts together
Just think if we build on this trust that we have for one another
Baby we can make this last a lifetime"
- Ray Lamontagne

Again the words seem to be perfect for the occasion. We have been through many changes and have faced a lot of challenges. I know there were times when my depression sunk into your soul. But you ALWAYS stood by me. Because of you and your strength I am starting to feel free again. I promise to you that I WILL be a better husband and father. I will make time for you, even if it includes sacrifices. I will support you in whichever direction you choose, and I will find time, even if it means giving up something I hold dear. Sorry to make this so public but writing has been much easier for me to express myself than speaking, and yeah yeah I will work on that too. So for those of you reading, please don't misinterpret my words. Never once was our marriage in jeopardy nor did our love start to fade. I wrote this to just tell Elizabeth how much I love and appreciate her and to thank her for always being my rock. Now it is my turn.

Love,
Breck

"Treasure these few words 'till we're together
Keep all my love forever
P.S., I love you"
- The Beatles

A Day In The Life

"Keep your face always towards the sunshine -  and shadows will fall behind you."
Walt Whitman


I wake up to the sounds of a small boy saying daddy.  As my eyes slowly adjust to the light, I see the smiling face of my 10 month old son.  He has the brightest eyes and combine that with the smile from ear to ear and you can see his pride to see his daddy.  You can see his innocence.  We eat breakfast, play for a while and then take about an hour nap together.  He usually wakes up first and wakes me up by either pinching my face or by crawling down my body trying to get to the end of the recliner; he has learned that he weighs just enough that if he lays on the end on the recliner it will slowly lower him to the ground where he can wreak havoc by utilizing his superior crawling and climbing skills.  Elizabeth usually comes home around lunch and feeds him while I get ready for work.  I then tell them both bye and leave for work.  I get home from anywhere from 7:30-9:00, (and that is nights without games), which leaves me little to no time to spend with him before bedtime.  Elizabeth is usually getting ready for bed and I follow shortly after, if i can sleep, and then we repeat.

Life is cyclical in a way.  We get into habits and repeat patterns throughout the year.  Depression and fear also seem to do the same.  It makes me question everything, which could be a good thing.  I took the job at Austin because I guess I blindly thought I could make a difference somehow.  Thinking maybe I could help one person, hopefully more.  I'm not just talking about physical injuries from athletics, but emotional scars from life itself.  I wanted to help on a deeper level, be a person they can turn to and someone they could confide in.  I wanted to make an impact in people's lives.  I don't know if I've even helped a single person so did I make the right choice?  Am I where I am supposed to be?  Am I even doing the job I am supposed to be doing?

So many questions and so few answers.  I have a lot to learn; I have to learn how to be a better husband, better father, and find my true purpose in life.  John Lennon famously said, "When I was 5 years old my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life.  When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I wrote down 'happy'.  They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life".  Happiness.  I guess that is what I'm after but where it lies and how to balance it is the true question.  I'm a bit of a romantic and old-fashioned so for me I find happiness in love.  This means my happiness comes from the loving supportive arms of my family, helping others, and the sounds of music that reaches down and grabs your soul.

So that brings me back full circle to what my true purpose is.  Yes, I still fight depression, but I do find a shadow constantly following me and there cannot be a shadow without the presence of some form of light.  Whatever the source I have to hang on to it, and find a way to make it brighter. "A candle throws its light into the darkness.  In a nasty world, so shines the good deed.  Make sure the fortune, that you seek is the fortune you need," Ben Harper.  So as this new school year starts I have a lot to learn.  I have to find room for the "fortune" I seek is what I truly need.  I have to find a way to spend more time with my family, my happiness.  I have to find a way to spend more time with my son; maybe by hearing more "daddy's" I will be a happier man.  I have to figure out if what I do everyday at work is making an impact on anyone, and if not I need to find another way to do that.  I talk to God constantly and I'm just waiting for an answer.  If you are still reading this please pray that I find the answers to questions I have and I can finally have "a day in the life" that I was meant to have.

Breck

"There are two basic motivating forces:  fear and love.  When we are afraid, we pull back from life.  When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance.  We need to learn to love ourselves firts, in all our glory and our imperfections.  If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create".
-John Lennon

"Old Sea" ~ just a poem i wrote

I love poetry because i can do what i want.  English teachers come get me but i dont care about your rules anymore!  A poem can be so deep that even scholars will never truly understand it's meaning.  Some poems are straight forward with their point and others are completely open for interpretation by the reader.  Poetry gives people an outlet to speak their mind, whether they choose to hide it behind metaphors and symbolism, well that is their choice and rightfully so.  This is a poem i literally just wrote.  I actually was half asleep and words came in my head and i had to get them out.  Some may get the meaning, some may not, some may think they do but do not.  But i hope you enjoy, and if you hate poetry, welll, might just want to skip this one.  If you happen to like it for whatever reason, please feel free to share with friends and loved ones.  And as always thanks for reading.

"Old Sea"

Old sea, majestically  turning through the canyons and trees
A favor I ask, one we all must ask, please..home, will you take me?
Steady and calm are the waters, the ones I want for me
But I shall follow you to the end, there is no other choice you see

Your waters filled with life, both experienced and new
I can feel the young, constantly and pridefully waiting their debut
Old sea, wise and aged, please tell us the secrets that are you
Answers, others come to me to seek, but only if I knew

Storms go and storms pass, leaving it's fair share of fear
For the experienced it's a common theme, for the new; they feel death near
Waves crash below the surface, sometimes causing pain to those we hold dear
We cry out, "old sea" for our words to only fall on wise deaf ears

Some in this sea have no worries, no cares at all
Others carry baggage on their back, some as thick as the sea wall
Some in this sea, we are able to hold them up as they begin to fall
Others here, we watch helplessly as they are stuck within the squall

Old sea I thank you for the good and bad.  We have come so far
Our final days ahead I will spend counting all of the heavenly stars
I know old sea, you have done your job; Home, it is now where we are
But one last favor old friend? Please help me to cross the bar.

Breck