Cooper

"Between the innocence of babyhood and the dignity of manhood, we find a delightful creature of a boy"

Wow.  Where do I even start.  I'm a father.  First of all let me clear this up, I am a FATHER.  Any fool can have a child, but it takes a man to become a father.  I may not be perfect, but here I am...a father.

I remember the long, dreary days during Elizabeth's pregnancy.  Ironic how I say it takes a man to be a father, yet during her pregnancy it was more of her holding me together and supporting me and a lot less the other way.  For that I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself.  What kind of man doesn't have the strength to support his wife during  her pregnancy.  It does show the strength of the woman that I was lucky enough to actually sucker into marrying me.  She carried both of us through the entire process.  What an amazing woman God has given me to love.  But ladies, you have to look at the birth of a child from a man's perspective; especially one who is knee deep in depression.  Fear is everywhere.  The only thought (selfishly enough) is there is a possibility that something will go wrong and I will have to leave this hospital alone.  God gave me strength to stumble into the room, frozen in fear trying my best to comfort Elizabeth and then as if time were frozen, I was holding my newborn baby boy Cooper, and somehow I knew everything would be alright.  With him and Elizabeth, I could get through this dark wilderness that I had been roaming. 

The picture on the left is what Elizabeth says is her favorite picture of me.  When asked why, she said "because it's the first time in long time where you seem truly happy".  She was right.  Something magical happened that October morning that can't be explained.  Here I am, unable to manage my own thoughts or actions and I am expected to raise a boy. Talk about Fear!  It's at this point I realize I do know how to be a father; I had a father any boy would want and provided me with a blueprint.  All I had to do was follow it. "He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it," Clarence Budington Kelland.
As I've said at other times it's the smaller things that matter.  I remember playing catch in the yard, picking out christmas trees, going to every ballgame in driving distance.  It's the little things that stick in my mind the most.  Like how he gave unselfishly to people without them even knowing, donating time, money, clothes, food etc. to those in need.  I mostly remember Gale.  Gale had downs syndrome and lived in our neighborhood as a kid.  He and her got to be good friends.  He would always hand write her on her birthday and special occasions and she would respond.  This friendship continued until recently when she passed away.  It's amazing what kids pick up and remember. 

To me, my father was perfect.  He proved to be true a saying from Charles R. Swindell, "Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children,".  I know Cooper is watching and learning.  You can see it in his eyes; it's as if everything around him is collecting inside some file hidden in his mind.  Truly amazing and beautiful thing to watch.  I know I have to provide him with an example to follow that will lead him to success.  Somehow, with the help of Elizabeth and through the strength of God, I can beat this disease and show my son how to become a man of great charachter.  Frank Pittman said, "The guys who fear becoming fathers don't understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man."  After 6 months of fatherhood I can see how this can be true.  Cooper warms my heart with his smile and laugh and I know he has plenty more hidden cards up his sleeve to help make me become the best father possible.  God is good.

This is a poem I wrote when fear had a grip on me before Cooper was born

Won't you cry for me just a little
Open your eyes for me a little
Kick your feet and throw your hands
I can't lay the world at your feet
but i promise
I will be the father that mine was to me

Mistakes will be made by you and me both
We will grow and learn as time passes by
Just know that i will never let you sink
If darkness falls, i will guide you to see
and i promise
i will be the father that mine was to me

My mind has been filled with doubts
My heart has been a cold blue
When you arrive i know it will change
Life will be hard, there is no secret code
But i promise to guide you down the narrow road

At times you will fall, but I will pick you up
A time will come when you have to fight your own wars
But fear not, for your faith will lift you up
I can only hope to live long enough to see
You become the father that mine was to me.

Breck

For my father and mother, Elizabeth and Cooper and I guess my sisters (although i think they may be the source of my mental issues?!?).  I love you all and thank you for your support and guidance.