Saying Goodbye

"I have never found any 'good' in saying goodbye".  Goodbyes are something that I have struggled with forever.  I've never known the right words to say or the right way to act.  For most of my life, I've said my goodbyes and tried to forget them altogether.  I don't know why, I know people move, change jobs, go off to school, etc. but I always feel like it's the end.  I dealt with goodbyes by pretending the friendship is over and even tried to ruin friendships just so I wouldn't have to say goodbye. "I make it easier for people to leave by making them hate me a little"  Cecelia Ahern.  I know it is twisted but in my mind it allowed me to rationalize losing someone I cared deeply for. I push people away and try to forget them instead of holding on and remembering all of the good memories.

Over this past year I have been blessed to have some special people in my life that have been there for me and picked me up throughout my depression.  I still have bad days but they were always there with encouraging words or a compassionate ear. But now, it is time to say goodbye.  I don't want to see any of them go.  I would be lying if I were to say that I am not scared.  I'm horrified.  "One thing you cant hide - is when you're crippled inside" John Lennon. They were always there, and now they are gone.  Or are they?  For the first time I am going to try to actually face saying goodbye to people I love and depend on.  When I say goodbye, I will have to fight the fear and the notion that they are gone forever.  After all, phones do exist.
Another reason I don't like goodbyes is due to the fear of being forgotten.  "The worst feeling is not being alone, it's being forgotten by someone you could not forget."  What if the people that made such an enormous impact on me received nothing from me in return?  I will never truly know until I say goodbye to those friends I love and let them go. So for my friends, thank you for all of the support and encouragement you have shown me. I love you and wish you all the success and happiness that you deserve in the next chapter of your lives.  Of course I can never express my feeling in my own words so I found this particularly fitting.

"Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But because I knew you, I have been changed for good. It well may be, that we will never meet again, in this lifetime. So let me say before we part, so much of me, is made of what I learned from you. You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart, and now whatever way our stories end, I know you
have re-written mine, by being my friend... " 

Wicked