Cooper

"Between the innocence of babyhood and the dignity of manhood, we find a delightful creature of a boy"

Wow.  Where do I even start.  I'm a father.  First of all let me clear this up, I am a FATHER.  Any fool can have a child, but it takes a man to become a father.  I may not be perfect, but here I am...a father.

I remember the long, dreary days during Elizabeth's pregnancy.  Ironic how I say it takes a man to be a father, yet during her pregnancy it was more of her holding me together and supporting me and a lot less the other way.  For that I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself.  What kind of man doesn't have the strength to support his wife during  her pregnancy.  It does show the strength of the woman that I was lucky enough to actually sucker into marrying me.  She carried both of us through the entire process.  What an amazing woman God has given me to love.  But ladies, you have to look at the birth of a child from a man's perspective; especially one who is knee deep in depression.  Fear is everywhere.  The only thought (selfishly enough) is there is a possibility that something will go wrong and I will have to leave this hospital alone.  God gave me strength to stumble into the room, frozen in fear trying my best to comfort Elizabeth and then as if time were frozen, I was holding my newborn baby boy Cooper, and somehow I knew everything would be alright.  With him and Elizabeth, I could get through this dark wilderness that I had been roaming. 

The picture on the left is what Elizabeth says is her favorite picture of me.  When asked why, she said "because it's the first time in long time where you seem truly happy".  She was right.  Something magical happened that October morning that can't be explained.  Here I am, unable to manage my own thoughts or actions and I am expected to raise a boy. Talk about Fear!  It's at this point I realize I do know how to be a father; I had a father any boy would want and provided me with a blueprint.  All I had to do was follow it. "He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it," Clarence Budington Kelland.
As I've said at other times it's the smaller things that matter.  I remember playing catch in the yard, picking out christmas trees, going to every ballgame in driving distance.  It's the little things that stick in my mind the most.  Like how he gave unselfishly to people without them even knowing, donating time, money, clothes, food etc. to those in need.  I mostly remember Gale.  Gale had downs syndrome and lived in our neighborhood as a kid.  He and her got to be good friends.  He would always hand write her on her birthday and special occasions and she would respond.  This friendship continued until recently when she passed away.  It's amazing what kids pick up and remember. 

To me, my father was perfect.  He proved to be true a saying from Charles R. Swindell, "Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children,".  I know Cooper is watching and learning.  You can see it in his eyes; it's as if everything around him is collecting inside some file hidden in his mind.  Truly amazing and beautiful thing to watch.  I know I have to provide him with an example to follow that will lead him to success.  Somehow, with the help of Elizabeth and through the strength of God, I can beat this disease and show my son how to become a man of great charachter.  Frank Pittman said, "The guys who fear becoming fathers don't understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man."  After 6 months of fatherhood I can see how this can be true.  Cooper warms my heart with his smile and laugh and I know he has plenty more hidden cards up his sleeve to help make me become the best father possible.  God is good.

This is a poem I wrote when fear had a grip on me before Cooper was born

Won't you cry for me just a little
Open your eyes for me a little
Kick your feet and throw your hands
I can't lay the world at your feet
but i promise
I will be the father that mine was to me

Mistakes will be made by you and me both
We will grow and learn as time passes by
Just know that i will never let you sink
If darkness falls, i will guide you to see
and i promise
i will be the father that mine was to me

My mind has been filled with doubts
My heart has been a cold blue
When you arrive i know it will change
Life will be hard, there is no secret code
But i promise to guide you down the narrow road

At times you will fall, but I will pick you up
A time will come when you have to fight your own wars
But fear not, for your faith will lift you up
I can only hope to live long enough to see
You become the father that mine was to me.

Breck

For my father and mother, Elizabeth and Cooper and I guess my sisters (although i think they may be the source of my mental issues?!?).  I love you all and thank you for your support and guidance.

Compete

Some people say sports are just sports and nothing more.  I couldn't disagree more.  I have been around sports my entire life: my father was a coach, my grandfather was a coach, both uncles were coaches, my cousin is a coach, I played my whole life, all my sisters and cousins played, and I work as an athletic trainer.  Needless to say, sports play a major role in my life and through my experiences, i see on a daily basis that athletes get life lessons that can be carried with them for the rest of their lives if they choose to listen.

This is really just a sleepless rant but i had to get it out.  I recently wrote on being Fearless, (please read if you haven't) and one of my fears was fear of failure and being just mediocre.  Tonight i was at a baseball game and our team was beat 14-0, other team getting 17 hits to our 3.  It was embarrassing, not by the score but by the lack of effort.  The lack of desire to compete.  This team is a good team but has gotten into the habit of losing and therefore expect to lose when they take the field.  Vince Lombardi said it best when he said, "Once you learn to quit, it becomes a habit."  After the game I talked to the team.  I know i'm not the coach but t couldn't help myself.  All i did was make a challenge to them.  To Compete.  Never stop fighting.  In the first game their were so many small mistakes that made a huge impact on the end of the game.  John Wooden once said, "It's the little details that are vital.  Little things make big things happen".  I told them that everybody loses at some point in their sporting lives, but it's how they respond that's important.  All i wanted was 9 people to get on the field and compete.  Fight the fear of losing, fight that fear of their opponent, after all they are just guys like them with a different name on their jersey.  Michael Jordan was once quoted as saying, "I can accept failure.  Everyone fails at something.  But I can't accept not trying".  That is the point i was trying to get across to them

See these 16,17,18 year old kids don't get it yet, but they will.  What they learn in sports can be carried over into their lives.  How they compete can predict their future.  Not always, but sometimes.  Sports teaches us to communicate and work with others to achieve a common goal.  It brings out leadership in people, and teaches us how to learn from failure  It teaches us to act despite of fear..  Most importantly it teaches us to fight and COMPETE!  In my last post I think my last words were never stop fighting.  When we stop fighting we let fear win.  They stopped fighting, accepted defeat and accepted their fear of being average win.  That can't happen.

So what does this have to do with everyday life?  EVERYTHING!  When you go into your job and pressure gets placed on your back, are going to lay down and quit, or are you going to fight.  When that new job or promotion opens up are you going to say "there's no way I will get it", or are you going to compete for it.  Are you going to be able to communicate and work with your co-workers to achieve that deadline or finish that project.  If you fought and competed in sports, that will show up in your daily life.  Hard work and punctuality will not go unnoticed by your bosses.  I believe leaders are born, but they are brought out in sports and during adversity.  The ability to lead others to do  things they thought impossible is invaluable as a worker.  Things aren't just given to you in this world.  You have to fight for it.  All of this IS taught in sports.  Whether you want to listen and truly believe is your choice.  With my depression if i didn't fight or i didn't compete everyday i would be a complete failure.  I don't know where I would be.  But from being around sports I know you never quit.  I know sports is not the only place you can learn these virtues, but the point of my rant is that sports is DEFINITELY a place where these important traits are learned.  My advice, for whatever that is worth, admit your fears and act despite of your fears.  Don't run and expect failure due to your fears, just compete.  It's your choice to not hide behind fears and excuses.  ADMIT YOUR FEARS AND FIGHT!

Masquerade

Masquerade in your web of lies
Your path untold through your smiling eyes
Shadows paint 1000 words
For what it's worth your voice unheard
Pain is creeping in
Your words become numb
Now you pay the price for what you've become